The Gift for When Playing Hard-to-Get Isn't Working

I'd been in love with—but ignored by—someone for years when I decided I had nothing to lose and began pretend-stalking: I texted him his own license plate number, his vampire name, "I'M CARVING YOUR INITIALS INTO MY LEG." Suddenly, he always texted back. Weirdness/supposed pathological obsession can be intriguing/flattering in certain contexts. It worked; I now sort-of date him.

So what do you get l'égoéste this holiday season? Well. Thanks to mydnafragrance.com, I can stealthily Q-tip the inside of his cheek while he sleeps and send it into a lab to have his DNA sample processed into a numerical sequence similar to a social security number, and then have that genetic coding translated into a one-of-a-kind cologne—all for less than $150 and in seven to 10 business days, plenty of time to appear on his stoop and present it to him with a bow and a haiku love-'zine on Christmas Eve—creepily/endearingly, of course.

—Cat Marnell, associate beauty editor