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I Think Leather Shorts Are Dumb

Dear women of Planet Earth (and a few downtown men),

STOP WEARING LEATHER SHORTS!

I know, I know, they’re black, which is like Felix the cat’s meow of the trendsters and scenesters alike, but it’s too much. It’s 90 degrees outside and leather is not a “breathable” fabric, so while you think it’s all sunny days with your legs glistening down city streets, they glisten because they’re soaked with sweat. One girl tried justifying this to me saying that “They’re really comfortable. The sweat falls right to the butt crack.” I’m not sure she understood that this was an oxymoron.

Another woman tried breaking it down from a designer’s perspective. “Silly Noah, they provide ventilation because the cuff of the shorts flaps out,” she said. I can dig that, but can you dig that it looks like you’ve got a big ol’ bubble butt because of it? And not in the cute mom jean shorts way, where guys are willing to question what exactly is going on under there. No. This gives middle school art teacher bubble butt, which we all know is least sexy behind only middle school math teacher bubble butt.

I’m not sure why this summer in particular you all decided that maybe you’d step foot into something besides your daisy dukes and floral summer dresses. They’re classics. You look beautiful in them, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t contemplate throwing ‘em on when it’s hot out.

What? Like you haven’t asked yourself what it’s like to pee standing up? (It’s awesome).

Fashion is a progressive movement, yes, but some things need to die: man skirts, the 15-minute “IT Girl” (remember when it was just Chloe Sevigny?), “angular” garments. If you want to look cute and comfortable, do it the Mad Men way, and stick to the classics.

Photo courtesy of Stylesightings.

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