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If This Bag Were a Person: Totem Salvaged Edition

If this bag were a person, it wouldn’t be your typical "crunchy granola" hippie chick. Oh, no, it would actually be the anti-fashion fashion chick. This bag wants you think that it doesn’t care about looking good and being on-trend when, in actuality, every one of its personal style moves is strategically calculated to create the ideal “Oh, this old thing? I just threw it on” aesthetic. Smart thinking right there.

This bag is kind of like a reverse Monet; from far away, everything looks pretty average and typical, but get closer to see that its entire outfit costs more than your house. See the white t-shirt that bag is wearing? It is not a $5 Hanes job, that ish is Lanvin.

And what about that coffee cup in its hand? It is actually free-range, organic coffee beans hand-pressed during the peak of growth for freshness, with undertones of chocolate and cinnamon. You can’t even order those beans in the United States, so that lovely bag of ours hired a St. Bernard to paw-deliver them after frolicking 579 miles in the snow, uphill, with no shoes. Nothing but the (understated) best. And whatever, I mean, it’s cool, do what you like, but don’t be a hypocrite, you know? Bag’s just gotta admit to itself and society that fashion isn’t so bad—it’s okay to care.

TOTeM leather-trimmed cotton clutch, $275

Sara Zucker writes about fashion at Sarazucker.com and does social media for NARS Cosmetics. Her closet is a mess.

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