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Weight of Your Love

What goes through one's mind when they purchase this as a Valentine? Do they think it's going to end well?

Pump the Love
Nothing says I kind of love you and the way you are like a gym membership. The card could say, "I'm almost happy to be seen in public with you."
Suck Your Heart Out

Clean up after your wild Valentine's evening. Don't waste a minute.

Love Mash

A potato masher can come in handy, but imagine opening this on Valentine's Day? You've anticipated the moment for a few weeks now and dropped hints and then you get this. This weird kitchen tool. Perhaps you could use it to mash the heart of the giver. Justice.

Hellbeast Stuffed Animal

At one time, this stuffed animal was a dalmatian of some kind. Now it's just a roller-blading supporting actress in your nightmare.

 

Heartless Coupons
This sort of thing was cute when you were in the 3rd grade and you gave your parents room-cleaning coupons. Hand them out in a later stage of life and you're just telling the world how pathetic you are.
Foot Fetish
Look, socks are a great gift! They're perfect stocking stuffers and can make a great birthday present for the right person. But for Valentine's day, try and tell the person you're not thinking of their feet. Unless they're into that, in which case, blaze that trail.   
Empty Cards
First of all, pick a better card. Second, give it a message. Don't be that person who just signs their name. You're better than that and so is your lover.